Matthew Chapter One

This is the family tree, the glaringly paternal, dad-centred, family tree of Jesus, whose name would have been more like Joshua to his friends than how we perceive his name today, Christ, which is not, in fact, his last name, but a Greek title that means annoited, or chosen, one. He is a descendent, a great great great great great great great great great great great great great-grandson of David, the super duper incredibly important king.

Here’s a list to prove it.

Okay, but we gotta back it up. Remember Abraham. Father Abraham, had many kids, many kids had Father Abraham. That Abraham, Abram of Ur, of the three Abrahamic religions, fame. Abraham was dad of Isaac, which is an awesome story for another time, and full of a lot foreshadowing that turns out to be a really big deal to Christians. Isaac had Jacob, also known as Israel, Reuben was the eldest of the children of Israel, With Simeon and Levi the next in line... then, yadda yadda yadda, Judah. Then Perez and Zerah, whose mom was Tamar (First lady to get a shout out, not that we’re counting. We are counting). Hezron, Ram, Amminadab, Nahshon, Salmon, Boaz (whose mom was Rahab, a kickbutt Biblical hero; lady shout-out number two), Jesse, and King David.

From David to the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Exile in Babylon there was David then Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

[Side note: Matthew does not say her name. It’s Bathsheba. Her name is important. Her story is important. Don’t learn it from Veggie Tales. Lady number three listed.]

Going on Rehoboam, Abijah, Asa, Jehosophat, Jeroham, Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz, Hezekiah, Manesseh, Amon, Joseim, and Jehoicon and his bros. THEN Jehaichin, Shealtile, Zurababababel, Abiud, Eliakin, Azor, ZADOK, Achim, Elius, Eleazar, Matthan, Jacob 2.0, and Joseph.

Who married Mary, the mother of Jesus, (fourth lady shout out) who was called the Mesiah, which comes from Hebrew, loosely equivalent to Christ. Again, not last names. Jesus was probably called Yahshua Bar Joceph, Josh son of Joe, by his mortal besties. So now. Fourteen generations from Abraham to David, fourteen from David to the Exile, fourteen from Babylon to Jesus. Dozens of dudes, four ladies. Does Matthew know where babies come from.

So this is how Jesus’s birth went down.

His mother, Mary, Miriam, was engaged to Joseph, but before the wedding, she found out that she was going to have a baby, un bébé, by the Holy Spirt. This ... is not typical.

Joseph was a really good guy. How good? He was the top romantic choice of the most perfect woman ever, so that good of a guy. But, um, still a human who knew where babies came from, at least, ordinarily. So he really wanted break up, but super on the dl, quietly, no scandal, like, shhhh. Ya bros it was like not meant to be, ya know, Mary’s super cool tho, no drama.

So he was chillin. Trying to figure out how to dump the perfect woman, who, admittedly, wasn’t seeming so perfect.

Left him with nothin' but ruined pride, something new inside

A voice saying, "Joseph, you gotta fend for yourself"

He dreamed a dream of time gone by, when hope was high and Mary worth marrying. So then an angel came to him. Atypical metaphysical experiences aren’t just the ladies in Matthew.

"If you love this woman, go get her.

"Don’t be afraid to marry her. She really did miraculously conceive. It is the Holy Spirit. I’m an Angel. I read scrolls and I know things. She is going to have a boy. His name will be Jesus, which means saviour, and that’s cool because he is going to save his peeps, from their sins, screw ups, and other genres of interpersonal and human-god chasm widening behaviours."

Why did it have to all be like this, tho? Sometimes it just do be like that. To fulfill what the prophets had said. So a long time before this part, Isaiah said that a young lady would have a baby. And he’ll be called Immanuel, God with us. So now a virgin is gonna have a baby, named Jesus. No diff.

When Joseph woke up, he married Mary. Just like the angel said to. And having married the most perfect woman, they didn’t have sex. At least not till after Christmas.

When she had a son, he named him Jesus.

Gaetano Gandolfi, Angel Appears to Joseph in a Dream